System Entropy

I drown myself in total turmoil again, just barely 3 weeks before our final exams. I saw my professor’s facebook message, just now. He was asking where my 6th laboratory sheet was. I have to admit, I definitely forgot to submit it. But it was so unusual for me, since for the past 2 terms, I was usually the first one to submit my work.

And here I am, contemplating how come every single facet of me starts to downslide once again. It has been my waterloo ever since. A disease that’s been eating me alive. Its like some sort of retrovirus that manifests just before I finish an academic term. I was never like this before. I would excel most of the time, and bask my achievements in humility. But, I just can’t figure out how everything ended up to this.

Mom’s right: I barely open my notes for a very long time, because I always come home tired. I have less time to focus, and my mind would oftenly head off to some parallel universe where I wouldn’t want to leave – a place of solitude. But I know this shouldn’t be the way for me to go. I could still do so much more. I just have to push a little bit more, and start prioritizing. I don’t want to end up again as the student who left his school because his pride wouldn’t let him take in how messed up he was, and thought that all is gone.

It has been very depressing for me, really. I would recall how my high school friends would tell me that if I only knew how to “prioritize” and become “preoccupied”, I could’ve gone farther than they would have. A colleague of mine once told me as well, “if you only knew what to prioritize, and who to prioritize first, you could’ve gone to UP. Because we all know you can do it. You just needed a little bit motivation, to the right perspective.”

And here I am on the bus, typing these thoughts on my phone, and looking back to where I have gone wrong. Hopefully, I get to really get myself back into good condition, and get back into track.


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