At the Back of my Mind

I took awhile, standing there at the corner of the street overlooking his place, one Saturday night. Texting him that I was standing just below the light post was not an option anymore. Not anymore.

After ten minutes or so, I began walking the long road back to my place. We used to love doing this together – me and him. I didn’t bother taking a jeep, just so I could slowly drown myself in my thoughts, and to let the idea sink in, that I may probably not see him in person again.

I walked along all the side streets that we used to walk on. Only this time, I was the only one walking myself home. I recall the jokes, the teasing, the surprise kisses in the dark side of the street. His hands that held mine. All that’s left are my hands that clasped each other to fend off the cold.

Maybe I never should have tried. But then again, I was always the hoping type.

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Mending Wounds

I never thought that I would have the courage to message you first.

After all that we’ve been through, it was a great deal of courage for me to press ‘Enter’ and greet you for the Holidays. For once, I told myself that maybe I have really moved on from the pain you caused me three years back. Maybe, this time I was finally able to forget the pain. And though it had caused me so many times, a hope to find someone to be with, the paranoia of breaking my trust has left me all alone and cold.

I have always wanted to tell you how thankful I am to have caught up with you, yet I feel bad about you losing someone close to your heart as well. I may never had the chance to meet her, but seeing that she raised a guy like you well (even if our fallout tells me to say it otherwise), she would have been so proud of you, too.

As the year comes closer to an end, I pray for the best of your endeavors, and to the ones who are close to your heart as well. We may never know, but when the time comes I can probably meet you up and finally smile like I used to, when you were still mine.

Day 1: Unlock the Mind

It was nothing more than a fiction inside my head – a random thought, a suppressed longing, and a hopeful transmission that it was more than a dream. I saw you again there – smiling and waving at me. We were friends again just like back in our Junior year. But when I woke up…

How long has it been? I couldn’t make sense of it at the moment. Or maybe because I’ve kept it to myself every now and then. I would tell my friends that I’m way past getting over it all, but here I am still: staring at my laptop and pouring out whatever residual emotions I still have for you, and for what I thought was ours to share.

‘Another Monday’, I tell myself as I glance through the calendar with bits of paper still hanging from its rather messy rip of March. I still have two weeks to spend, before going back to school. Five years, and still struggling over my second course, I rekindle how long its been since we last had a decent conversation.

Pharmacy was not my intended degree – I was really into Chemistry in general, but fate brought me elsewhere. After spending almost four years into my previous program I settled with the best choice going forward, and here I am now. How has it been for you, I wonder? I remember you telling me I should pursue Medicine after my undergraduate studies, as it was a dream you never could fulfill.

And here I am now, amidst the length of years I have ‘wasted’ and earned for getting a degree, I still consider pushing myself further with planning to take up Medicine in a good school here in Manila, or if not, in Baguio so I can seclude myself from everyone else.

With a matter-of-fact tone in my head, I set this aside and go back to what I initially intended to unravel (my apologies for being such a scatterbrain in the morning). I tell myself probably like my career choice, it would be best that I just moved forward with life, and accept things as they are. It probably wouldn’t be any better if I let myself fall behind everyone else, and spiral back down to depression. But for now, I’d rather escape to you and see you again in my sleep.

How sweet it is to dream of great things and stay among them, isn’t it?

Truth Thursdays | I See You

Dear You,

For the past few months, I have longed to tell you what I feel.

It was something which I let sink in, before finally deciding to admit it once and for all – how the late nights with you were something I looked forward to; (no matter how random the topics were, as long as it was with you, it mattered not to me at all) how I instinctively joke that I missed talking to you whenever I’m not online; that I would try to keep my eyes open early in the morning just to stay awake when we talk (which fails alot, since I fall asleep, still); how I keep smiling when I look at your picture in my phone; how I have always tried to set the perfect date to ask you out.

But as John Lennon had said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans”, I was busy making too many plans. And life moved on. You moved on.

Now, here I am at the sidelines hearing your stories, stuck in the ‘zone’.I laugh when you tell me your stories, but I cringe inside and brings me in an emotional turmoil which is unnecessary and illogical. I wanted you to stop – but I knew it was something important to you. How can I be so blind?: You were into someone else, and I was merely someone you cherished in a different way.

And this time, I thought I’ve know you better than someone you just went out on a date with. In the headlines of this torn drama of mine, in a pedestal where I placed you, so I can keep you, my friend. I marvel at the view. I smile in your presence.

But in the end, I was only looking at a puddle.

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Written for Truth Thursdays. This blog exists to connect people through writing. To initiate something honest, thoughtful and meaningful. Wanna know more about this awesome thing I just participated in, read it here. :)

365 Days of Writing Prompts: The Normal

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My dad wanted to raise me as a ‘normal’ boy – one who plays Basketball, plays video games, and stuff like that. He tried his best in doing so. Tells me, that I should me “like every other kid” in the neighborhood.

But he was wrong. I knew back then, that I was ‘different’ – I saw things in a different light, in a perspective that most of my guy friends see me as a queer because of it. I liked reading, and poetry, but I did alot of sports. And I get teased most of the time when they see me writing my thoughts like a girl who keeps a diary under her bed.

I tried my best to go with what they see is ‘normal’ for a guy like me. Though looking back, despite all the things I’ve been through, as well as the lessons life has taught me, I believe I’m way more ‘normal’ as an adult now, than the ones who believed that being a bit different to the norm is not the way it should be.

Monday Rants

“Too much attachment is the reason why some people cannot move on”

I once told myself that when we graduated from high school, I need not ‘stalk’ for a picture of him because I would get to see him all I want, when I get our high school yearbook. Unfortunately, due to some upsetting circumstance, he was one of the few students in our class whose picture did not appear in the finished copy.

Sure, I was probably more upset than he was. But by the time I would probably be in the state of feeling that way, I was already over him – or so I think I am. Because whenever fate gets in the way, I just couldn’t help myself and feel the emotions surge back to me when I see him.

Come to think of it, after six awful, unrequited years of living in delusion, I couldn’t bear tell myself that I got way obsessed with him that it hurts me so much.

But the question remains: Why can’t I just cut it off?