For Now

Author’s Update:

 

Finally I enroll for one more semester in College before heading off to New Jersey in the summer. After a very complicated First Semester, having failed Physical Chemistry on my first take on the subject, I was not able to take up most of my majors (aside from my thesis subject, which I am bound to finish before leaving), and now I am left with taking up two Literature classes, a Technical Writing Class and Physics (which I am taking up with Geology majors. OTL)

 

In my four years of staying in college, I finally got the chance to have one of my ‘lightest’ class load for this semester – 13 units, with a 6 unit sit-in, it is definitely a free T/TH morning for me this November to April. Now, I am more relieved to pursue my thesis and my experimental methodology, and attempt to finish it before the semester ends.

As much as I want to continue blogging and attend to this, while doing all the other stuff I am supposed to, I decided to take a leave from my blog for a while, refine my craft and how I write my content, and get back here with more interesting stories that I could share to all of you. I just happened to backread my content and see that most of the time, my entries are more of the ‘feels’, and ranting, and I seem to forget how to be more comfortable with how I am as a writer.

Nevertheless, I am sure to return, as I’ve always had. Or so to say, I have always been here, since I never really did leave.

Blog to you soon, everyone!

Truth Thursdays: Versus

*Note from the author: After rereading the mechanics for ‘Truth Thursday’, I finally understood how these prompts work, and that I could post my work, and not have to schedule my posts for Thursday (since technically Truth ‘Thursday’ should be done on a Thursday) and wait for a few more days if I started it, like on a Sunday. It’s technically my first Truth Thursday post, so please do bear with my work! *smiles*

For the longest time now, I have been waging a battle who bears no winner – two champions who continue to outdo one another every single time – a game wherein the fates of all who’s in it have been tied to one another; a challenge that has driven me to my wits end; a tug of war where no one want to give up.

Back then, I was very sure of what I do and I knew what I wanted to be. I was confident with how I talk and walk when I am with people. They saw the leadership that I kept close to myself, and they seldom saw that I resort to tears even in the direst situations. They feel how I try to be diplomatic and cheerful when others are down. I would extend my help to those who are in need – not paying attention to what lies in return, but is grateful when receiving from other people.

However, there is more to all of these.

Because every time I try to get up, I stumble and fall on my knees, and I have kept it to myself all this time.
I never knew that having an ‘internal’ argument with my inner self would be this difficult, especially when I have long hoped towards moving on from all the hatred, and then something pulls me back, and pours salt on my wounds.
If only I could compromise with how I actually want things to happen and learn how to forgive each and every person who has crossed me in the past, maybe I could find a way and leave all the ill feelings and thoughts behind me, and finally start over again with a smile on my face, and look forward to what the future holds for me.

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Written for Truth Thursdays. This blog exists to connect people through writing. To initiate something honest, thoughtful and meaningful. Wanna know more about this awesome thing I just participated in, read it here :)

I Speak Up

I got tired of it eventually.

I got tired of the numerous times that I had to keep mouth shut; of keeping my thoughts to my own; of keeping the worries inside my head. For the longest time that I held the reins and convinced myself that in silence I would be able to handle things under control, I thought, maybe it was just that I needed. And for some time I went on believing that things were falling ‘according to planned’. But they weren’t. And now, I had to stop.

This time, I was no longer keeping myself chained to people who never appreciated my company. People who only saw me when they needed the advice or the leaning shoulder. I grew weary of having people close to me, then seeing the ones who grew close to me drift away when their lives seem to go well, but then I fade into the background, like a toy that’s back in the chest once you’ve finished playing with it.

And when I thought that I would never get through that lump on my throat, I finally blurted out what I wanted to tell you. How upset I was because of how I saw things.

I got tired of it, but now I finally said how I felt. And it actually felt good.

Ghosts

They lurk, they creep. They hear me weep
My heart out loud, I try to keep
And silence them inside my head
I stare outside the shop instead.

They seek, they feed on my defeat
And they grin on to my retreat
I close my eyes, tears down my cheek
As they get strong, while I’m here weak.

They sting; they stab, and leave me sore.
They made me doubt what I’d fight for.
I sigh and pray, coz there’s still more
Right there, just waiting out my door.

Relapse

Just when I was trying to pull myself together, I unintentionally dragged myself deeper into the pit.

This was the exact same feeling I had over two years ago – when I was overwhelmed with so much pressure, that I decided to waste a Semester in College. Yes, I did pay the price of doing so, and I did so with much regret. But it was a very devastating time in my College life – I was torn inside myself, and I was losing focus. It was not my proudest moment that I can say. Yet, it provided me time to think things through, and get myself back on my feet.

But lately, the sleepless nights have returned. The distractions are back. The ghosts start to haunt me again. Just two years ago, I used to rebuke them so easily. Now they’re back, and they won’t let me win a second time.

However, the circumstances are different now, and so are the chances that I cannot afford to waste anymore. I’m slowly going back to my defense mechanism, and while I can make sense from my early symptoms, I have to move fast – no, I must also think fast, before it gets the best of me once more. With barely two more weeks left for this term, all I can do is to avoid losing grip of my grades (and my sanity).

Stuck

It was another cold evening, and I was on my way home from the coffee shop.  I bothered to stay there for an afternoon to get away from my bed, and to start with my Review of Related Literature (for my thesis). Just when I mistook the afternoon heat, I forgot to bring my big umbrella, and took awhile to wait for the pouring rain to subside. It was past 7 o’clock, and I had to rush home. However, it seemed like the weather was not going to allow me for next half our or so.

The Final Exams was getting near by the day, and I am getting overwhelmed by the bunch of paper work which I still have to do. Aside from reports, I was finishing my first three chapters for my thesis, which is due two weeks from now while studying for my major subjects. I could very well say that its not as easy as it seemed, as I spend my nights with cups of  coffee, and my laptop. Having tried hard to focus on my schooling, things would come up from time to time, straying me from my trail of thought, leading me to my fatal flaw – flashbacks and reminiscing. Oh yes, its that difficult for me to regain my ‘moment’ once it starts to throw me off course.

Half an hour has passed, and its the rain settled down to a drizzle. I decided to walk through this rain, with the scarf on my head, quick enough to get to a shed (I was thinking my move was getting me closer to the jeepney terminal, than waiting inside the coffee shop).  Just when I was near the mall’s shed, I took a couple of minutes more before I started walking under the rain.

As I walked towards the pedestrian, I noticed this two guys under an umbrella – wherein one of the guys was clutching to the other guy’s arm. just like a girl. Well, probably they realized nobody was going to notice them, since people were in a rush to get home, and it was raining, so they went on like that under the guy’s umbrella. I stopped briefly to see them, and then I saw them smile at each other, not caring about the people around them, and instead finding refuge and feeling close to one another in this cold and rainy weather.

I couldn’t stop myself from thinking – weren’t they so happy? And somehow, I began wondering how happy it could’ve felt, being with someone whom you could be at ease with: someone you can laugh with even when the world frowns, raises you up even when the world looks down on you;love you in spite of the things that you’ve done and most of all, loves you because of the trust and the respect you had for one another. Seeing a couple like that makes me smile, but stabs me inside, for a reason I know very well.

For a year has passed, by the scars remain open, and I’m stuck under the rain to wash my eyes from crying.

 

Caffeine Veins

Keep me awake, just one more sip
Repressing things I hide too deep
The downside has been way to steep
The nightmares I get in my sleep.

My eyes dilate, my heart beats fast
And I flip through the pages past –
The hauntings that left me aghast
And memories I wished would last.

Should I settle for just one more?
This addiction rooted to the core
Has left me longing, like before
Though biiter tastes have left me sore.

Keep me awake, just one more sip
I stop the tears I try to keep
This has dragged us way too deep
And I should grab myself some sleep.