At the Back of my Mind

I took awhile, standing there at the corner of the street overlooking his place, one Saturday night. Texting him that I was standing just below the light post was not an option anymore. Not anymore.

After ten minutes or so, I began walking the long road back to my place. We used to love doing this together – me and him. I didn’t bother taking a jeep, just so I could slowly drown myself in my thoughts, and to let the idea sink in, that I may probably not see him in person again.

I walked along all the side streets that we used to walk on. Only this time, I was the only one walking myself home. I recall the jokes, the teasing, the surprise kisses in the dark side of the street. His hands that held mine. All that’s left are my hands that clasped each other to fend off the cold.

Maybe I never should have tried. But then again, I was always the hoping type.

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One hundred and eight days into my Junior year’s second term, and I can slowly feel my energy failing like a melting candle in a dark room. All I feel like doing now is sleeping and lying down in bed, barely opening my Pharmacology notes in time for exams, cramming Manufacturing Pharmacy, a 180 degree turn from my vigor compared to my enthusiasm when I took its prerequisite subject last term.

The subjects are getting into my nerves, and the more that I feel like giving up, the more that I wanna hold back tears from the lack of courage, I fall further down into the pit where I once emerged from, two years ago when I started a new leaf in my new College.

But as my worries start to creep in, I am reminded of a passage:

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave nor forsake you”. (Deuteronomy 31:6, NIV)

And yes, the Lord has always been with me, and at times, I may be at guilt whenever I forget His presence, He comes at our side, telling us

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ( Isaiah 41:10, NIV)

That is why, despite the downslide that I am currently facing right now, I know that it would be senseless to stay here at this pit.

So, I start climbing back.
And though it may take me longer than expected,
I know that I’ll emerge victorious by His side.