April

A Work in Progress: Day 150

For the longest four months into my college life, have I attempted to refrain from answering the people who have been pushing me to reveal why I shifted courses when I was almost there.

I wasn’t really sure myself if it was the shame of having to go through another two to three years of Pharmacy subjects before graduating, or was it the pressure of focusing on my current track? Probably because early on I have anticipated the numerous questions that had crept my mind since November.

On the other hand, albeit the expectations of most people, I have been doing very well in the College of Pharmacy – I have a new refuge in the seclusions of the St. Theresa’s Building; old friends are still with me, but now with the addition of great people, in all-white uniforms; a more organized schedule which lets me move freely in between subjects; a slowly rebuilding self – esteem which I thought was lost, but most especially, a provision and a renewed promise from God that this is going to be the best move forward.

Gone were the days when I had to succumb to the heavy feelings I had back at the Cardinal Santos Building (my former department was situated in the eerie corner of its Second Floor). I no longer have to brush shoulders with the professors whose preconceptions about me cannot be changed by my simple acts of progress – praises you but talks about you differently when you’re away.

I no longer have to deal with its tyrant, and her dealings. For a very long time, I have told my juniors how she deals with concern and care, however deep inside I have feelings of disappointment. But alas, they are now gone, and I wouldn’t be dealing with them for a long time.

For the longest four months in my college life, I have found peace and happiness to where I am now. Probably I wouldn’t mind too much answering questions why I left. Why I didn’t just finish Chemistry. Why I ‘wasted’ three years for nothing (this not true, FYI. Pharmacy is STILL Chemistry). I am a work in progress: His work, in progress. He still has a lot in store for me, all because I tried to do things on my own. But He steers for me now.

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Monday Rants

“Too much attachment is the reason why some people cannot move on”

I once told myself that when we graduated from high school, I need not ‘stalk’ for a picture of him because I would get to see him all I want, when I get our high school yearbook. Unfortunately, due to some upsetting circumstance, he was one of the few students in our class whose picture did not appear in the finished copy.

Sure, I was probably more upset than he was. But by the time I would probably be in the state of feeling that way, I was already over him – or so I think I am. Because whenever fate gets in the way, I just couldn’t help myself and feel the emotions surge back to me when I see him.

Come to think of it, after six awful, unrequited years of living in delusion, I couldn’t bear tell myself that I got way obsessed with him that it hurts me so much.

But the question remains: Why can’t I just cut it off?