Ad altiora tendo

One hundred and eight days into my Junior year’s second term, and I can slowly feel my energy failing like a melting candle in a dark room. All I feel like doing now is sleeping and lying down in bed, barely opening my Pharmacology notes in time for exams, cramming Manufacturing Pharmacy, a 180 degree turn from my vigor compared to my enthusiasm when I took its prerequisite subject last term.

The subjects are getting into my nerves, and the more that I feel like giving up, the more that I wanna hold back tears from the lack of courage, I fall further down into the pit where I once emerged from, two years ago when I started a new leaf in my new College.

But as my worries start to creep in, I am reminded of a passage:

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave nor forsake you”. (Deuteronomy 31:6, NIV)

And yes, the Lord has always been with me, and at times, I may be at guilt whenever I forget His presence, He comes at our side, telling us

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ( Isaiah 41:10, NIV)

That is why, despite the downslide that I am currently facing right now, I know that it would be senseless to stay here at this pit.

So, I start climbing back.
And though it may take me longer than expected,
I know that I’ll emerge victorious by His side.

The Tormented

The evening haunts, the shadows cry
Each voice inside, won’t let you by
The tears, the pain, the weary sighs,
They fill your thoughts up ev’ry night.

The sadness just won’t go away.
If spoken of it everyday.
Cylical, looks as it may
‘The scars are fresh’ yes you may say.

But how can wounds be soothed and heal?
If still, cry so much for what you feel?
Can you not stick to what is real,
That they are not of the best deal?

The evening haunts, and so it will
Should rationality be killed?
Should you face the other cheek, and sigh
Thoughts will be filled up, by and by.

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Always Second Best

You.

It pains me to admit, that I envy you.

Not because you have led a happy life with somebody else; nor is it because you have the smiles of a person who is truly in love with someone. But because someone who I truly care about, has never broken the chains of bondage that he still links with you. The scars you have left, can never be erased. And the love that he yearns, that, I can never encompass.

For no matter how I try to lift his head up, it will always be your mere presence that makes him smile with joy and laugh with a ring I might never have the chance to hear. That despite my frequent texts, it has always been your messages that gives him the chills, and he admits, that it hurts him inside to have you turned down every single time.

That in his sleep, he is in my prayers every night. But you – whom we all know, is happy with somebody else, still kill him inside with the memories of you, that he might never be able to withdraw fully from his heart. And with every inch of effort that I try to put in, I just can’t figure out how I can get you out of his mind, and his weary heart.

Yes, I have to admit, that I admire you for being able to make him love you the way he loves you. And, I shall always be behind your shadow, and be the second best.

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Valentine’s Status: Single and Waiting

Kay bilis nga naman ng paglipas ng panahon. Parang kahapon lang, nang una akong magblog dito sa WordPress ng tungkol sa Valentine’s Day. Ngayon, unti-unti kong naaalala na nakaisang taon na pala nang huli kong ipagdiwang ang February 14.

Ngayon sakto na apat na buwan na akong “Status: Single”, hindi nakapagtatakang bumalik ang damdamin na nararamdaman ko bago ko pa nakilala ang dati kong kasintahan. Ngayon, kaisa na ako ng mga nagnanais na mag February 15 na agad. At katulad ng ilang mga kasama ko sa Kapnayan, ay nagpapakasubsob muna sa aral, o kaya’y nagpapakasaya sa kasagsagan ng aming Foundation Week sa Adamson.

Sa totoo lang, kanina lang talaga napagtanto na bukas na nga ang Araw ng mga Puso. At kahit na itanggi ko man sa karamihan, na hindi ko ito iniinda, talagang hindi ko maiwasang maisip kung maipagdidiwang ko ba ng matino ang araw na iyon.

Ngunit ang mas nakagugulo ng isip ko, ay kung bakit sino pa ang matino – kung sino pa ang nagmahal ng totoo, at niloko ng taong minahal niya, siya pa ang nag-iisa ngayong Araw ng mga Puso? At bakit kung sino pa ang nanloko, ay siya pang may kapiling na ngayong iba, at masaya?

Siguro’y sadyang ganito lang talaga ang buhay: Hindi mo lahat makukuha. Ngunit may siguradong dahilan sa lahat ng mga nararanasan natin. Sabi nga sa isang patalastas sa TV “Bilog ang mundo” – at alam kong hindi ako mananatiling malungkot ng matagal na panahon. Kaya naman, hindi ko maipagdiwang ang Valentine’s Day ng may kasamang “special someone”, sigurado akong hindi ako magmumukmok tulad ng karamihan.

Konting hintay pa. :)

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