Lord, I forgive within my heart
Bitter feelings from the start –
The pain, the rage, the shattered parts,
Ill-kept emotions, now I thwart.
To the ones who crossed me, time & again
I harbored contempt since way back when
May haunted mem’ries fade and then
This soul may heal as You intend.
When I look in the mirror, I see nothing.
A blank slate. A newly created canvas. Emptiness. Nothing.
Long have I been hoping to see something from this void that I am in. A future, perhaps? Something which is to be foretold, something I should have been looking forward to in this lifetime of mine? Or something that should have unraveled to me a long time ago?
I remember having dreamt of something like that back then – my elusive vision of what I would be a few years from now: a happy home, a great career, someone to be with when my hair turned grey; an early hike to the mountain summit, to see the rising sun above the horizon, or watching the sun set on the beach while holding hands with the person I will spend my days with.
Was the dream to abrupt to be fulfilled?
In this dark room, with only the lights coming from the small square of a window, the lights of the city illuminate this damp cell. With only the lost hopes of a bright future, I live out the shattered days.
I always saw myself as a tough guy.
Despite my apparent choice of preference, I get a lot of compliments from the people around me with regards to being brave and confident when it comes to dire situations. Being tough, for me, wasn’t just a scale of physical strength. I believed, that acknowledging the fear that we all have, and confronting them had to be my measure of courage. Brute force was not my thing. And neither was harboring fear towards others.
Growing up and having to settle on different places – meeting different kinds of people, making good friends, and getting the attention of some bad guys along the way, somehow added to my learning experience that the world is more of a jungle, rather than the paradise it was once known to be. I had to teach myself how to be “street-wise”, and how to mingle with the people outside my comfort zone.
People saw my independent side – the guy who always had his planner handy, ticking off all the activities he was able to accomplish; the guy who never settled for Plan B; the guy who would try to reason out his way with things, as long as he know he’s right and that it’s his right to do so; the guy who never forgets to ask for His Guidance.
But for all you know, I have somehow resented this “resilience” of mine. I feel as if nobody bothers to ask for me, for how I actually am. That no one really understood. That no one has connected to me in away that I was hoping for a very long time.
And despite this epitome of strength that I wield, underneath it is a scared little boy, who longs to be heard.