One word that could very well describe the state that you have dragged myself in for the past three weeks now. A condition that you long to end, mentally and emotionally. The pile of paperwork has been in a constant flux, and the deadlines never seem to finish. You start skipping meals, and in the long run, forgetting if you even had one, not until you see your wallet and you haven’t even spent a dime for food today, and you conclude that sleep is but a half-hour escape from the stresses you bring home from school, and is not even close to a “sound” one.
Exams usually come in pairs – none of which is easier than the other, and now that you are taking up major subjects in Pharmacy, doesn’t help with the fact that your instructors seem to “plot” you by scheduling the hard ones on the same day. And you usually have exams both in the morning, and sometimes, into the afternoon.
And the worst part is, during those lucid moments, when you blankly stare at the horizon, realizing that as you stare at the city lights, as you go home, that the end is nowhere in sight.
You get home, tired from the traffic, but your mind doesn’t stop from worrying about tomorrow’s exam. You gobble up your meal for the day (literally), and before you know it, you’re leaning on the couch, trying to snatch a quick nap. You try to get up early for your internship, waving at the endless queue of customers where the lane starts, refusing to sell Clindamycin to customers who claim its their only acne remedy, refilling stocks and getting blister cuts.
And just when the week is almost at its end, you remember that you haven’t started reading for Pharmacology..
For the longest four months into my college life, have I attempted to refrain from answering the people who have been pushing me to reveal why I shifted courses when I was almost there.
I wasn’t really sure myself if it was the shame of having to go through another two to three years of Pharmacy subjects before graduating, or was it the pressure of focusing on my current track? Probably because early on I have anticipated the numerous questions that had crept my mind since November.
On the other hand, albeit the expectations of most people, I have been doing very well in the College of Pharmacy – I have a new refuge in the seclusions of the St. Theresa’s Building; old friends are still with me, but now with the addition of great people, in all-white uniforms; a more organized schedule which lets me move freely in between subjects; a slowly rebuilding self – esteem which I thought was lost, but most especially, a provision and a renewed promise from God that this is going to be the best move forward.
Gone were the days when I had to succumb to the heavy feelings I had back at the Cardinal Santos Building (my former department was situated in the eerie corner of its Second Floor). I no longer have to brush shoulders with the professors whose preconceptions about me cannot be changed by my simple acts of progress – praises you but talks about you differently when you’re away.
I no longer have to deal with its tyrant, and her dealings. For a very long time, I have told my juniors how she deals with concern and care, however deep inside I have feelings of disappointment. But alas, they are now gone, and I wouldn’t be dealing with them for a long time.
For the longest four months in my college life, I have found peace and happiness to where I am now. Probably I wouldn’t mind too much answering questions why I left. Why I didn’t just finish Chemistry. Why I ‘wasted’ three years for nothing (this not true, FYI. Pharmacy is STILL Chemistry). I am a work in progress: His work, in progress. He still has a lot in store for me, all because I tried to do things on my own. But He steers for me now.
My heart persists, this
ray of light
It shines with hope,
dispels the fright;
It keeps me sane
althrough the night.
For the longest time, I have spent my New Year’s Eve cooped up inside my room, just like all the past years have gone. As much as I have despised the noise and the allergic rhinitis that I get from the air from 8 o’clock all the way til 1 A.M., I was more interested with doing the countdown post that I would always have – despite no one reading it.
But last night, I took the chance to do a little bit different. I went out for the first time in years, to take a look at the awesome lights and fireworks that lit up the skies. The one in the photo, was even only a few meters away from the window on our condominium floor (sixth floor) and it was an truly a sight to behold.
With so many happenings around us, and it pushes us to just keep it to ourselves, we tend to neglect how to appreciate all of those other things which can bring us joy. I remembered that very well, when I saw the horizon infront of me – it may be filled with smoke, but then again, the view was always a picture I can always recall when I closed my eyes.
When you told me, “Its alright”
“This ends today – we’ll never fight”
“I promise love, will all my might
That we’ll get through and we’ll be fine”.
But then the arguments came by day
At night you’d leave me far away
In her arms you’d choose to stay
And you preferred this not to say.
And yet I’m not a fool to keep
Tis vow that I have kept too deep
I’ve made my stand – to leave you cheap
Behind me past, I smile in sleep
This October, Tidbits offers its first ever Semester-ender series called ‘Epilogues’, a compilation of some of J’s unpublished works, his latest blog posts, and contemplations on the most awaited part of the semester: the Semestral Break!
As he sets another delay onto his graduation, ‘Epilogues’ will not only give definite closure to most things unsaid, but also a few insights to changes that may still happen in the near future.
And there it was.
Another memory to fill my lonely nights. Another living nightmare to haunt me in broad daylight. Another story I could’ve written a better ending to. But there it was. An ending too soon to be felt.
Oh, too soon.
How I long to repress this at the back of my mind. A blissful encounter, which I suppose was kept brief for a very good reason. Like the changing of the seasons, it came. Like the changing of the seasons, it left.As we stepped out of the walls that confined us, nothing felt the same anymore. We talked, and laughed as moonlight shined down on us lonely creatures – who felt the longing to be loved, and to be loved accordingly in return.
Lips the like April rose. A warmth like sunny rays of May. With the euphoria felt in June, we stayed in that cabin. The torrid winds of July, I felt his chest in mine. Hearts beating to the adrenaline rush that came with our affections. And like the August rain, reality came pouring down on us, until it washed everything away.
It drifted me apart from you, in the calamity that was us.
And there it was: the final say.
I held your hand one more time, this time not with hope, but with uncertainty – for what happens when day breaks is something I cannot tell – like the secrets we had in that cabin. Was five minutes enough, to tell?
Or would it take me longer to forget?