It was past 9 in the evening and the mall was already closing. For the weirdest reason I find myself worrying that something wouldn’t turn out right when you arrive. No, don’t worry. This is something new, I tell myself as I rub my hands together, while waiting for you outside the mall.
At last, after a few minutes of waiting, you came. I tried my best to assess this situation, and not make a fool out of myself. You confirmed, our meet up spot was closed already, and you suggested we go elsewhere, just before you ride the bus to your weekday place.
I tried to do the small talk, but there you were fixated on something you didn’t want to disclose. After that flight of stairs and another stumble, I decided to just bring you back to the bus stop, as you constantly reassure me that nothing is wrong (and as if I would take that for real).
Why does it always have to be like this, when I go to such places? Always afraid of sending off someone close to me, and feeling they may never come back?
As I slowly succumb to the cold air, and the texts which came colder than your usual warm self, I begin to question myself.
And it made me realize how much I hate buses.
A 24 year old Asian male presents to the ER with tachypnea, shortness of breath and generalized urticaria. Patient has no known maintenance medications to relieve the symptoms he is currently experiencing prior to coming to the ER. A physical examination revealed the following: HR 110bpm, RR 40 with signs of accessory muscle use.
Brief history of the patient reveals that he has been trying to patch things up with his partner of 8 months – after a whirlwind dating phase that lasted only roughly two weeks. Patient discloses that he was not aware that things would have gone out of hand, and symptoms of said event manifested abruptly one Saturday evening, after receiving one too many messages from the other person.
Accumulation of said allergen in the system may have caused this allergic reaction to the patient, causing him to lose motivation and feel irritability at the mere thought of this person.
An aerosol treatment was ordered and given with 0.5 cc albuterol with 3.0 cc normal saline in a small volume nebulizer for 10 minutes. Peak flows done before and after the treatment were 125/250 and ausculation revealed loud expiratory wheezing and better airflow.
Symptoms began to resolve, and the patient was advised to resolve his current ordeal with his partner, and if they would accept their excessive neediness of one another, come into terms with this so as to prevent his reexposure to this allergen, as well as to refrain from whirlwind relationships because, you know what? Things that are taken too fast just to achieve something is just.. it’s just not right. It’s crap.
I took awhile, standing there at the corner of the street overlooking his place, one Saturday night. Texting him that I was standing just below the light post was not an option anymore. Not anymore.
After ten minutes or so, I began walking the long road back to my place. We used to love doing this together – me and him. I didn’t bother taking a jeep, just so I could slowly drown myself in my thoughts, and to let the idea sink in, that I may probably not see him in person again.
I walked along all the side streets that we used to walk on. Only this time, I was the only one walking myself home. I recall the jokes, the teasing, the surprise kisses in the dark side of the street. His hands that held mine. All that’s left are my hands that clasped each other to fend off the cold.
Maybe I never should have tried. But then again, I was always the hoping type.
For convincing myself has been harder lately,
Without you near,
Distant from me lately
I need reassurance
To get myself by.
For the shadows of the past linger on,
While you’re away
I miss your embrace
The confidence it gives
To risk another try.
Know by heart I’m always here
Evry moment we hold dear
Night and day – I swear to thee
This guy is there in times of need.
Apart from my rather clumsy self
Know that I am here to help
In times of joy, or saddening strife
In season or not, I’ll arrive with a smile.
A love that was all too soon
I guess, as early as it is.
Our hopes, in candlewax wings
Melted way before it could’ve soared high.
But the same heat of Summer’s day
Would’ve set a clay pot dry
Cemented what could have been
The perfect “You and I”
But alas, a fortnight and a day
The dream has fallen, and truth be taken
The dream lies splendid in good sleep
And all of these in tears I weep
I never thought that I would have the courage to message you first.
After all that we’ve been through, it was a great deal of courage for me to press ‘Enter’ and greet you for the Holidays. For once, I told myself that maybe I have really moved on from the pain you caused me three years back. Maybe, this time I was finally able to forget the pain. And though it had caused me so many times, a hope to find someone to be with, the paranoia of breaking my trust has left me all alone and cold.
I have always wanted to tell you how thankful I am to have caught up with you, yet I feel bad about you losing someone close to your heart as well. I may never had the chance to meet her, but seeing that she raised a guy like you well (even if our fallout tells me to say it otherwise), she would have been so proud of you, too.
As the year comes closer to an end, I pray for the best of your endeavors, and to the ones who are close to your heart as well. We may never know, but when the time comes I can probably meet you up and finally smile like I used to, when you were still mine.