I took awhile, standing there at the corner of the street overlooking his place, one Saturday night. Texting him that I was standing just below the light post was not an option anymore. Not anymore.
After ten minutes or so, I began walking the long road back to my place. We used to love doing this together – me and him. I didn’t bother taking a jeep, just so I could slowly drown myself in my thoughts, and to let the idea sink in, that I may probably not see him in person again.
I walked along all the side streets that we used to walk on. Only this time, I was the only one walking myself home. I recall the jokes, the teasing, the surprise kisses in the dark side of the street. His hands that held mine. All that’s left are my hands that clasped each other to fend off the cold.
Maybe I never should have tried. But then again, I was always the hoping type.
For convincing myself has been harder lately,
Without you near,
Distant from me lately
I need reassurance
To get myself by.
For the shadows of the past linger on,
While you’re away
I miss your embrace
The confidence it gives
To risk another try.
Know by heart I’m always here
Evry moment we hold dear
Night and day – I swear to thee
This guy is there in times of need.
Apart from my rather clumsy self
Know that I am here to help
In times of joy, or saddening strife
In season or not, I’ll arrive with a smile.
A love that was all too soon
I guess, as early as it is.
Our hopes, in candlewax wings
Melted way before it could’ve soared high.
But the same heat of Summer’s day
Would’ve set a clay pot dry
Cemented what could have been
The perfect “You and I”
But alas, a fortnight and a day
The dream has fallen, and truth be taken
The dream lies splendid in good sleep
And all of these in tears I weep
I never thought that I would have the courage to message you first.
After all that we’ve been through, it was a great deal of courage for me to press ‘Enter’ and greet you for the Holidays. For once, I told myself that maybe I have really moved on from the pain you caused me three years back. Maybe, this time I was finally able to forget the pain. And though it had caused me so many times, a hope to find someone to be with, the paranoia of breaking my trust has left me all alone and cold.
I have always wanted to tell you how thankful I am to have caught up with you, yet I feel bad about you losing someone close to your heart as well. I may never had the chance to meet her, but seeing that she raised a guy like you well (even if our fallout tells me to say it otherwise), she would have been so proud of you, too.
As the year comes closer to an end, I pray for the best of your endeavors, and to the ones who are close to your heart as well. We may never know, but when the time comes I can probably meet you up and finally smile like I used to, when you were still mine.
And there it was.
Another memory to fill my lonely nights. Another living nightmare to haunt me in broad daylight. Another story I could’ve written a better ending to. But there it was. An ending too soon to be felt.
Oh, too soon.
How I long to repress this at the back of my mind. A blissful encounter, which I suppose was kept brief for a very good reason. Like the changing of the seasons, it came. Like the changing of the seasons, it left.As we stepped out of the walls that confined us, nothing felt the same anymore. We talked, and laughed as moonlight shined down on us lonely creatures – who felt the longing to be loved, and to be loved accordingly in return.
Lips the like April rose. A warmth like sunny rays of May. With the euphoria felt in June, we stayed in that cabin. The torrid winds of July, I felt his chest in mine. Hearts beating to the adrenaline rush that came with our affections. And like the August rain, reality came pouring down on us, until it washed everything away.
It drifted me apart from you, in the calamity that was us.
And there it was: the final say.
I held your hand one more time, this time not with hope, but with uncertainty – for what happens when day breaks is something I cannot tell – like the secrets we had in that cabin. Was five minutes enough, to tell?
Or would it take me longer to forget?
When two points meet – from me to you
It goes across, my feelings too.
I kept hidden, despite the blues
The jealousies and envy cruel.
With you I keep a smile, at bay
He brings you that now, everyday
Three months long, I chose not to say.
Behind this line, still here I stay.