I took awhile, standing there at the corner of the street overlooking his place, one Saturday night. Texting him that I was standing just below the light post was not an option anymore. Not anymore.
After ten minutes or so, I began walking the long road back to my place. We used to love doing this together – me and him. I didn’t bother taking a jeep, just so I could slowly drown myself in my thoughts, and to let the idea sink in, that I may probably not see him in person again.
I walked along all the side streets that we used to walk on. Only this time, I was the only one walking myself home. I recall the jokes, the teasing, the surprise kisses in the dark side of the street. His hands that held mine. All that’s left are my hands that clasped each other to fend off the cold.
Maybe I never should have tried. But then again, I was always the hoping type.
One word that could very well describe the state that you have dragged myself in for the past three weeks now. A condition that you long to end, mentally and emotionally. The pile of paperwork has been in a constant flux, and the deadlines never seem to finish. You start skipping meals, and in the long run, forgetting if you even had one, not until you see your wallet and you haven’t even spent a dime for food today, and you conclude that sleep is but a half-hour escape from the stresses you bring home from school, and is not even close to a “sound” one.
Exams usually come in pairs – none of which is easier than the other, and now that you are taking up major subjects in Pharmacy, doesn’t help with the fact that your instructors seem to “plot” you by scheduling the hard ones on the same day. And you usually have exams both in the morning, and extends way into the evening.
And the worst part is, during those lucid moments, when you blankly stare at the horizon, realizing that as you stare at the city lights, as you go home, that the end is nowhere in sight.
You get home, tired from the traffic, but you mind does not stop from worrying about the exam tomorrow. You gobble up your meal for the day (literally), and before you know it, you’re now leaning on the couch, trying to snatch a bit of sleep. You try to get up early for your internship, waving at the endless line of customers where the lane starts, refusing to sell Clindamycin to customers who claim its their only acne remedy, refilling stocks and getting blister cuts.
And just when the week is almost at its end, you remember that you haven’t started reading for Pharmacology..
For the past four years now, whenever I pass through the big gates of my high school Alma Mater, my old teachers have already gotten used to seeing me visiting my Senior year adviser who teaches General Chemistry 2 (though we call it ‘Advanced’ Chemistry there) to Fourth Year students, and not only that, they’re also used to seeing me in front of one or more of my adviser’s classes – teaching.
It has really been a habit of mine to visit during my free days – teaching on the spot to students who (to my surprise) find my old adviser’s teaching a bit fast paced. Usually, I would only sit down at the back and watch him carry on with his lecture, but at the middle of the lecture, he lets me stand in his place and continue with the lecture. Most of the time, he makes me discuss nomenclature lessons on Organic Chemistry (my self-proclaimed favorite branch), and allows me to assist the students on calculations.
Teaching Internship, for four years? Hell yeah! But I have to admit that it has been very fun and motivating for me to do. Fun, since I get to share my gift of being a good mentor – having met so many good teachers and professors over the time that I idolize because of their awesome ways of imparting the lesson to their students. Motivating, since it pushes me to study better so I can teach the concepts better.
Yes, I have always wanted to be a teacher in Chemistry. However, my mother discourages me from teaching (high schoolers in particular. Ironic, since my mother, an Engineer, was also a highschool math teacher when I was young), since it doesn’t really give that much of a good pay. She refers it as a ‘work out of passion’. And I am starting to believe her. A lot of teachers nowadays are after the pay, than giving good education. So, as for now, I am still considering doing something else and putting my teaching dreams aside, like working in the laboratory, and doing part – time teaching in college.
Who knows, maybe I’ll get to that dream of mine, some day.
I have to admit, but family reunions are my father’s side of the tree is just one of the few things I look forward to the least, in the whole year (if it’s not because of the food, though). Nothing beats the feeling of having to eat delicious food, and be summoned to the living room for some lecturing from all my aunts and uncle.
Not that I hate it (I despise it), but having to defend myself for the decisions that I have been doing lately with my schooling, and my personal decision on leaving, was definitely ‘suffocating’ for me, having to abide to whatever they deemed ‘proper’ and right for me. And for the longest time, I have been doing things their way, I usually forget that I do have a say on how I should live my life – not like how I see them making me follow them all the way.
Come to think of it, I almost missed out on so many things because of trying so hard to keep up with them.
Maybe this time, I can finally get away with it, and start anew with how I want to live my life. I was doing perfectly well, before they came. Though not being very inconsiderate of me, I appreciate what they’ve given me. But I think it came too much – with all the sermons and the ‘degrading’ I seem to have received from them.
Maybe this time, I can finally establish what I really want to be.