At the Back of my Mind

I took awhile, standing there at the corner of the street overlooking his place, one Saturday night. Texting him that I was standing just below the light post was not an option anymore. Not anymore.

After ten minutes or so, I began walking the long road back to my place. We used to love doing this together – me and him. I didn’t bother taking a jeep, just so I could slowly drown myself in my thoughts, and to let the idea sink in, that I may probably not see him in person again.

I walked along all the side streets that we used to walk on. Only this time, I was the only one walking myself home. I recall the jokes, the teasing, the surprise kisses in the dark side of the street. His hands that held mine. All that’s left are my hands that clasped each other to fend off the cold.

Maybe I never should have tried. But then again, I was always the hoping type.

The Rough Days

Drained.

One word that could very well describe the state that you have dragged myself in for the past three weeks now. A condition that you long to end, mentally and emotionally. The pile of paperwork has been in a constant flux, and the deadlines never seem to finish. You start skipping meals, and in the long run, forgetting if you even had one, not until you see your wallet and you haven’t even spent a dime for food today, and you conclude that sleep is but a half-hour escape from the stresses you bring home from school, and is not even close to a “sound” one.

Exams usually come in pairs – none of which is easier than the other, and now that you are taking up major subjects in Pharmacy, doesn’t help with the fact that your instructors seem to “plot” you by scheduling the hard ones on the same day. And you usually have exams both in the morning, and sometimes, into the afternoon.

And the worst part is, during those lucid moments, when you blankly stare at the horizon, realizing that as you stare at the city lights, as you go home, that the end is nowhere in sight.

You get home, tired from the traffic, but your mind doesn’t stop from worrying about tomorrow’s exam. You gobble up your meal for the day (literally), and before you know it, you’re leaning on the couch, trying to snatch a  quick nap. You try to get up early for your internship, waving at the endless queue of customers where the lane starts, refusing to sell Clindamycin to customers who claim its their only acne remedy, refilling stocks and getting blister cuts.

And just when the week is almost at its end, you remember that you haven’t started reading for Pharmacology..

Into my Future (with Chemistry)

For the past four years now, whenever I pass through the big gates of my high school Alma Mater, my old teachers have already gotten used to seeing me visiting my Senior year adviser who teaches General Chemistry 2 (though we call it ‘Advanced’ Chemistry there) to Fourth Year students, and not only that, they’re also used to seeing me in front of one or more of my adviser’s classes – teaching.

It has really been a habit of mine to visit during my free days – teaching on the spot to students who (to my surprise) find my old adviser’s teaching a bit fast paced. Usually, I would only sit down at the back and watch him carry on with his lecture, but at the middle of the lecture, he lets me stand in his place and continue with the lecture. Most of the time, he makes me discuss nomenclature lessons on Organic Chemistry (my self-proclaimed favorite branch), and allows me to assist the students on calculations.

Teaching Internship, for four years? Hell yeah! But I have to admit that it has been very fun and motivating for me to do. Fun, since I get to share my gift of being a good mentor – having met so many good teachers and professors over the time that I idolize because of their awesome ways of imparting the lesson to their students. Motivating, since it pushes me to study better so I can teach the concepts better.

Yes, I have always wanted to be a teacher in Chemistry. However, my mother discourages me from teaching (high schoolers in particular. Ironic, since my mother, an Engineer, was also a highschool math teacher when I was young), since it doesn’t really give that much of a good pay. She refers it as a ‘work out of passion’. And I am starting to believe her. A lot of teachers nowadays are after the pay, than giving good education. So, as for now, I am still considering doing something else and putting my teaching dreams aside, like working in the laboratory, and doing part – time teaching in college.

Who knows, maybe I’ll get to that dream of mine, some day.

Truth Thursday: For Your Approval

I have to admit, but family reunions are my father’s side of the tree is just one of the few things I look forward to the least, in the whole year (if it’s not because of the food, though). Nothing beats the feeling of having to eat delicious food, and be summoned to the living room for some lecturing from all my aunts and uncle.

Not that I hate it (I despise it), but having to defend myself for the decisions that I have been doing lately with my schooling, and my personal decision on leaving, was definitely ‘suffocating’ for me, having to abide to whatever they deemed ‘proper’ and right for me. And for the longest time, I have been doing things their way, I usually forget that I do have a say on how I should live my life – not like how I see them making me follow them all the way.

Come to think of it, I almost missed out on so many things because of trying so hard to keep up with them.

Maybe this time, I can finally get away with it, and start anew with how I want to live my life. I was doing perfectly well, before they came. Though not being very inconsiderate of me, I appreciate what they’ve given me. But I think it came too much – with all the sermons and the ‘degrading’ I seem to have received from them.

Maybe this time, I can finally establish what I really want to be.

Ephemeral

It was another Wednesday evening. The clock struck 7 o’clock, and I was waiting at the door. Nobody was home, except me. Mom had to go out, and I asked her if I could just catch up. As much as I wanted to leave the house, I was more eager to wait for the person about to enter our doorsteps at this hour of night.
7:30, and it was raining. I see you outside, holding an umbrella. I waved my hand to tell you it was free to go in. You dropped your bag on the couch, and you hugged me so tight like a husband who came home from work. I caught myself surprised, but I didn’t bother. I was in your arms again, and you were in mine.

You followed me to the kitchen and asked me what I was cooking for ‘our’ dinner. I told you, ‘Its your favorite soup, and there’s steak. Also the Iced Tea’s on the fridge’. You didn’t need me to tell you that. You were already wrapping your arms behind me, kissing my neck, while I was stirring the meal on the saucepan.

I shoved you a little, and joked that I might get turned on. You pout a little, and with a kiss on your cheek, you smile and sat on the chair. I ask you about your day, just like a wife would, to her dutiful husband on his tiring day of work. You told me, the story that I made for you aced the class, and a wide smile flashed on your face. It was heartwarming, and I blushed while serving you your dinner. You sat beside me, and fed me while your arms wrapped my shoulders.

When we were done with the dishes, you laid down on bed. I came up behind you and you hugged me so tight. It was a week-long absence from each other, since the Midterms were somehow very busy. I laid on your chest, and you smelled of my favorite perfume. You held me so close, then. Held me with those arms that kept me safe. Kept me warm. Kept me calm. Your love had that magic that you cast over me. It was habit forming, and made me long for you even more, when you’re away.

I looked at my phone’s clock: It was 8:30. I knew that you had to go home soon, but I resisted. I missed you so much. And I just can’t let you leave that early. You held my hand, and made me face you. Our lips touched each other, and like a fire ablaze, amidst the cool rain, we were now bare at each other’s presence. If it could only last the whole night through.. If only it could.

Almost an hour passed, and you told me you really had to go. Then you saw tears. Tears? From the pain? No. I was numb about it. It was because you were going to leave again tonight. I held your hand, and you kissed my forehead, and you went off and said ‘Goodbye’. Time flew past us once more, in this story that never even got close to Midnight. And like the Love we once knew to love, came down as ephemeral.

Glimpse of You

I took a second glance on the guy who sat infront of me in the jeepney. There was this feeling in me that made me think twice if I should say ‘hi’ to this good-looking guy wearing a striped polo shirt, and what seemed like a foldable pair of reading glasses in his pocket.

He was fair-skinned and had rather messy hair. His nose seemed perfect, and he smelled of my favorite cologne. The urge has been battling inside of me if it was really him. Perhaps a look-alike? Maybe so.

These thoughts kept running in my head, when unexpectedly, in between glances that I throw to this guy, he suddenly looked at me, and gave me a weak smile.

Shit! I was so caught off guard right there and then! I smiled back, just to fend off the awkward situation that befell me, and looked the other way. But I would glimpse an instance or two, towards this bespectacled guy. I just couldn’t help it. Yes, in a way he did remind me of you and how I once looked at you beside me inside the classroom.

You would ask me why, then I would smile and tell you to stop minding me and my weirdness. And then, you’d turn loose sheets of paper on your desk, or the back of your notebook into instant sketchpads, with a pen on your hand. I still kept some of them, and smile whenever I remember you sketch our favorite anime characters. We shared a liking for music, and I still kept that pair of Katekyo Hitman Reborn! Headphones you gave me for Christmas, and whenever I think of you, I use them while listening to my favorite songs. I broke all my other earphones, but for 3 years, I’ve had it with me, with all the stuff that we shared.

I would glimpse an instance, or two, and saw all your actions through this guy infront of me. The way he took off his glasses, it kills me inside, that for the longest time that I have kept you locked inside my heart, someone who actually resembles you, makes me remember you once more. Has it been a year already since we last chatted? I can’t remember quite well. But the late night conversations we had, would always be in my heart, no matter what.

I’ve been with other guys, since then, but I always looked for you in them. I’ve seen other girls, since then, but you’ve made me cry like no one can.

I alight the jeep, and I was sure enough it wasn’t you. But the brief encounter, how absurd it may sound, I’ll admit, it made me happier. It made me whole.