I got tired of the numerous times that I had to keep mouth shut; of keeping my thoughts to my own; of keeping the worries inside my head. For the longest time that I held the reins and convinced myself that in silence I would be able to handle things under control, I thought, maybe it was just that I needed. And for some time I went on believing that things were falling ‘according to planned’. But they weren’t. And now, I had to stop.
This time, I was no longer keeping myself chained to people who never appreciated my company. People who only saw me when they needed the advice or the leaning shoulder. I grew weary of having people close to me, then seeing the ones who grew close to me drift away when their lives seem to go well, but then I fade into the background, like a toy that’s back in the chest once you’ve finished playing with it.
And when I thought that I would never get through that lump on my throat, I finally blurted out what I wanted to tell you. How upset I was because of how I saw things.
I got tired of it, but now I finally said how I felt. And it actually felt good.
Just when I was trying to pull myself together, I unintentionally dragged myself deeper into the pit.
This was the exact same feeling I had over two years ago – when I was overwhelmed with so much pressure, that I decided to waste a Semester in College. Yes, I did pay the price of doing so, and I did so with much regret. But it was a very devastating time in my College life – I was torn inside myself, and I was losing focus. It was not my proudest moment that I can say. Yet, it provided me time to think things through, and get myself back on my feet.
But lately, the sleepless nights have returned. The distractions are back. The ghosts start to haunt me again. Just two years ago, I used to rebuke them so easily. Now they’re back, and they won’t let me win a second time.
However, the circumstances are different now, and so are the chances that I cannot afford to waste anymore. I’m slowly going back to my defense mechanism, and while I can make sense from my early symptoms, I have to move fast – no, I must also think fast, before it gets the best of me once more. With barely two more weeks left for this term, all I can do is to avoid losing grip of my grades (and my sanity).