At the Back of my Mind

I took awhile, standing there at the corner of the street overlooking his place, one Saturday night. Texting him that I was standing just below the light post was not an option anymore. Not anymore.

After ten minutes or so, I began walking the long road back to my place. We used to love doing this together – me and him. I didn’t bother taking a jeep, just so I could slowly drown myself in my thoughts, and to let the idea sink in, that I may probably not see him in person again.

I walked along all the side streets that we used to walk on. Only this time, I was the only one walking myself home. I recall the jokes, the teasing, the surprise kisses in the dark side of the street. His hands that held mine. All that’s left are my hands that clasped each other to fend off the cold.

Maybe I never should have tried. But then again, I was always the hoping type.

Advertisements

Oh the Promises We Break

When you told me, “Its alright”
“This ends today – we’ll never fight”
“I promise love, will all my might
That we’ll get through and we’ll be fine”.

But then the arguments came by day
At night you’d leave me far away
In her arms you’d choose to stay
And you preferred this not to say.

And yet I’m not a fool to keep
Tis vow that I have kept too deep
I’ve made my stand – to leave you cheap
Behind me past, I smile in sleep

Truth Thursdays | I See You

Dear You,

For the past few months, I have longed to tell you what I feel.

It was something which I let sink in, before finally deciding to admit it once and for all – how the late nights with you were something I looked forward to; (no matter how random the topics were, as long as it was with you, it mattered not to me at all) how I instinctively joke that I missed talking to you whenever I’m not online; that I would try to keep my eyes open early in the morning just to stay awake when we talk (which fails alot, since I fall asleep, still); how I keep smiling when I look at your picture in my phone; how I have always tried to set the perfect date to ask you out.

But as John Lennon had said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans”, I was busy making too many plans. And life moved on. You moved on.

Now, here I am at the sidelines hearing your stories, stuck in the ‘zone’.I laugh when you tell me your stories, but I cringe inside and brings me in an emotional turmoil which is unnecessary and illogical. I wanted you to stop – but I knew it was something important to you. How can I be so blind?: You were into someone else, and I was merely someone you cherished in a different way.

And this time, I thought I’ve know you better than someone you just went out on a date with. In the headlines of this torn drama of mine, in a pedestal where I placed you, so I can keep you, my friend. I marvel at the view. I smile in your presence.

But in the end, I was only looking at a puddle.

10442926_10203396229460744_6520354397563849612_n

____________________________________________________________________________

Written for Truth Thursdays. This blog exists to connect people through writing. To initiate something honest, thoughtful and meaningful. Wanna know more about this awesome thing I just participated in, read it here. :)

Stuck

It was another cold evening, and I was on my way home from the coffee shop.  I bothered to stay there for an afternoon to get away from my bed, and to start with my Review of Related Literature (for my thesis). Just when I mistook the afternoon heat, I forgot to bring my big umbrella, and took awhile to wait for the pouring rain to subside. It was past 7 o’clock, and I had to rush home. However, it seemed like the weather was not going to allow me for next half our or so.

The Final Exams was getting near by the day, and I am getting overwhelmed by the bunch of paper work which I still have to do. Aside from reports, I was finishing my first three chapters for my thesis, which is due two weeks from now while studying for my major subjects. I could very well say that its not as easy as it seemed, as I spend my nights with cups of  coffee, and my laptop. Having tried hard to focus on my schooling, things would come up from time to time, straying me from my trail of thought, leading me to my fatal flaw – flashbacks and reminiscing. Oh yes, its that difficult for me to regain my ‘moment’ once it starts to throw me off course.

Half an hour has passed, and its the rain settled down to a drizzle. I decided to walk through this rain, with the scarf on my head, quick enough to get to a shed (I was thinking my move was getting me closer to the jeepney terminal, than waiting inside the coffee shop).  Just when I was near the mall’s shed, I took a couple of minutes more before I started walking under the rain.

As I walked towards the pedestrian, I noticed this two guys under an umbrella – wherein one of the guys was clutching to the other guy’s arm. just like a girl. Well, probably they realized nobody was going to notice them, since people were in a rush to get home, and it was raining, so they went on like that under the guy’s umbrella. I stopped briefly to see them, and then I saw them smile at each other, not caring about the people around them, and instead finding refuge and feeling close to one another in this cold and rainy weather.

I couldn’t stop myself from thinking – weren’t they so happy? And somehow, I began wondering how happy it could’ve felt, being with someone whom you could be at ease with: someone you can laugh with even when the world frowns, raises you up even when the world looks down on you;love you in spite of the things that you’ve done and most of all, loves you because of the trust and the respect you had for one another. Seeing a couple like that makes me smile, but stabs me inside, for a reason I know very well.

For a year has passed, by the scars remain open, and I’m stuck under the rain to wash my eyes from crying.

 

Before I Wake

Here we are again
Like we’ve always been
Since time uncertain

Who’s supposed to start?
Where do we begin?
When we’ve got so far to go

It was not like any other night. And this time,when we’d spend the time talking to each other for I was eager to say goodnight because I looked forward to another day to talk to this guy who seemed to jump start my day; now, I was more eager to stay beside him that night.

It was an evening that I prayed to last.

We took a long walk from that coffee shop to the garden across the city. Not being that good with directions, we managed to get there after a few interviews with the security guards and the street sweepers. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling that time, but all I knew is, that I was having a really great time with him. We had an hour left before we were supposed to go home – as he was trying to keep up with his “self-imposed” curfew, and I didn’t mind. Spending the whole afternoon with him was the best thing I’ve enjoyed for a long time now.

As we got to the park, we roamed around the green field, looking for a good spot to sit on. In no time, we were able to find a rather comfortable (and dry) spot near the curb, and we settled to sit there. As always, we began to talk about almost everything, and to think that we have been doing it for the past two hours already – it reminded me of how enjoying it seemed to be with someone who is at your wavelength, and shared almost all of your likes. Deep inside, I couldn’t contain the happiness I had for the two of us. But I knew better, and contained what I really felt inside. And on the outside, there were more questions in mind, that we had to clear out. And as the hour passed, slowly, the smiles started to fade, and the serious conversations started to kick in.

 Everybody says
Everything must go
Well I don’t think so.
Something still remains
In everyone we know
Since far away and long ago
And it shows.

And now, we sat closer, and I tried to state what i actually had in mind. I knew that there were questions we probably wont have the chance to answer, as well as why I was okay with us being friends. Why I never failed to understand him so well, when he himself just couldn’t manage to do so. We looked at each other, as we tried to “renew” our terms of friendship – he knew I would really take time adjusting, and I do too. But it was something we had to undertake, for the betterment of us both. And I do hope, that he finally understands why i just couldn’t let go.

I slowly bowed my head, the lights in the garden were turned on. We were way beyond his departure time. But as we sat closer to each other, and as I started to sink it all in, he whispered so close to my ear.

“Can you hug me?”

I wasted no time, throwing my arms around him. I hugged him tightly, letting him know how I wished not to let go – how thankful I was having him beside me, how I strongly believed his promise to never drift away as we focused on our personal goals, and how I wished that time stopped as I leaned my head on his shoulder. It was a night I will never forget.

A few minutes passed, and we were now walking towards the train station. I had to accompany him back, since he might not trace his way to the station. I started sulking inside, but amidst it, I had a weak smile. And as he passed the turnstile to the train track, melancholy struck me in a way that I thought, I have forgotten to feel. He got me in such a way, I couldn’t explain. And remembering how he confessed, I began to smile and go on with life, in our new chapter as friends.

IMG_20130803_223432

Tomorrow, everything will change
Today, will never seem the same.
So I will try to find a way
To say everything I need to say.
And if I should die before I wake,
Remember everything we said today.

– “Before I Wake”, I Fight Dragons

Ephemeral

It was another Wednesday evening. The clock struck 7 o’clock, and I was waiting at the door. Nobody was home, except me. Mom had to go out, and I asked her if I could just catch up. As much as I wanted to leave the house, I was more eager to wait for the person about to enter our doorsteps at this hour of night.
7:30, and it was raining. I see you outside, holding an umbrella. I waved my hand to tell you it was free to go in. You dropped your bag on the couch, and you hugged me so tight like a husband who came home from work. I caught myself surprised, but I didn’t bother. I was in your arms again, and you were in mine.

You followed me to the kitchen and asked me what I was cooking for ‘our’ dinner. I told you, ‘Its your favorite soup, and there’s steak. Also the Iced Tea’s on the fridge’. You didn’t need me to tell you that. You were already wrapping your arms behind me, kissing my neck, while I was stirring the meal on the saucepan.

I shoved you a little, and joked that I might get turned on. You pout a little, and with a kiss on your cheek, you smile and sat on the chair. I ask you about your day, just like a wife would, to her dutiful husband on his tiring day of work. You told me, the story that I made for you aced the class, and a wide smile flashed on your face. It was heartwarming, and I blushed while serving you your dinner. You sat beside me, and fed me while your arms wrapped my shoulders.

When we were done with the dishes, you laid down on bed. I came up behind you and you hugged me so tight. It was a week-long absence from each other, since the Midterms were somehow very busy. I laid on your chest, and you smelled of my favorite perfume. You held me so close, then. Held me with those arms that kept me safe. Kept me warm. Kept me calm. Your love had that magic that you cast over me. It was habit forming, and made me long for you even more, when you’re away.

I looked at my phone’s clock: It was 8:30. I knew that you had to go home soon, but I resisted. I missed you so much. And I just can’t let you leave that early. You held my hand, and made me face you. Our lips touched each other, and like a fire ablaze, amidst the cool rain, we were now bare at each other’s presence. If it could only last the whole night through.. If only it could.

Almost an hour passed, and you told me you really had to go. Then you saw tears. Tears? From the pain? No. I was numb about it. It was because you were going to leave again tonight. I held your hand, and you kissed my forehead, and you went off and said ‘Goodbye’. Time flew past us once more, in this story that never even got close to Midnight. And like the Love we once knew to love, came down as ephemeral.

Just as I Thought

I knew it was only brief, when I finally became close to him. It started with giddy messages, and the questions came rushing in, and he was answering them, and I continuously refreshed his profile page, just to find out if he answered my anonymous question. The replies came in, and he wanted to know who I was. I was flushing red and my two friends were teasing me that Saturday night. I thought this was the greatest turning point in my year.

He was ‘too far from my reach’ – twice, on two separate occassions. They were the instances when I started to expose myself to activities in our Org, little by little. And also, little by little, came in the chances that we would bump into each other. Maybe to say ‘hi’? Or maybe, to exchange glances? Back then, I was so into finding out who he was ( I have to be honest on this) And that night, I was slowly unfolding a friendship that I thought, could forge good experiences.

Before things got out of hand, I took some courage to make myself known. I was not sure if he was surprised, but then again, he found out the truth, and with a smile, we began being friends. As far as I knew, you weren’t entertaining anyone else, and that was fine with me. And so was I, since I was busy with school and I needed to focus on my new roles as a student leader. At times we would text, and you would ask me to call. Though it was a little bit random at times, I didn’t care – hearing his voice over the phone while I reviewed calmed my nerves. Being a busybee himself, I thought he might’ve felt the same way too.

And in no time, we decided to meet. It was after my exam, and I was a bit dizzy on the road. But I promised to be right on time – a quarter before the clock strikes eight. I saw you across the corridor, inside the mall – dashing as ever. He came near me and told me ‘Just in time!’, with a smile on his face. We roamed around, and joked a lot, hoping I didn’t spoil the evening for being a little bit ‘stressed’ over my day, but it felt like it went well.
He didn’t want go home yet, but mom was sick and she needed me by her side. I had to beg off, and he smiled as I rode the jeepney home. I thought, he actually had a fun night, just as I had, when I was with him.

The next few days came a little bit distant. I was not sure why. A whole day would pass, yet he wouldn’t text me, or even ask me to call. I would pass it off, thinking he was also busy with school and I should be busy with my own thing as well. But then I couldn’t keep my eyes off my phone, hoping that he might text me ‘zup?’ Atleast. And just then, he messaged me he was sorry, that he wasn’t able to text. And that he would make up for it tomorrow.
And just when I was curious about what was actually happening, I figured out maybe I can find out something through his Twitter page. And there it was, he was already with somebody else.

By default, I knew I shouldn’t be upset about it. For one, we were not in a ‘mutually understanding’ phase, and it was too early for one. But I couldn’t help but not feel bad. Was I being stupid again? I really can’t figure out. Yeah, I really liked you that much. I just wanted to know you longer. But, just as I thought, it was the end of the line, for this ephemeral fantasy of mine, once again.

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.