Before I Wake

Here we are again
Like we’ve always been
Since time uncertain

Who’s supposed to start?
Where do we begin?
When we’ve got so far to go

It was not like any other night. And this time,when we’d spend the time talking to each other for I was eager to say goodnight because I looked forward to another day to talk to this guy who seemed to jump start my day; now, I was more eager to stay beside him that night.

It was an evening that I prayed to last.

We took a long walk from that coffee shop to the garden across the city. Not being that good with directions, we managed to get there after a few interviews with the security guards and the street sweepers. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling that time, but all I knew is, that I was having a really great time with him. We had an hour left before we were supposed to go home – as he was trying to keep up with his “self-imposed” curfew, and I didn’t mind. Spending the whole afternoon with him was the best thing I’ve enjoyed for a long time now.

As we got to the park, we roamed around the green field, looking for a good spot to sit on. In no time, we were able to find a rather comfortable (and dry) spot near the curb, and we settled to sit there. As always, we began to talk about almost everything, and to think that we have been doing it for the past two hours already – it reminded me of how enjoying it seemed to be with someone who is at your wavelength, and shared almost all of your likes. Deep inside, I couldn’t contain the happiness I had for the two of us. But I knew better, and contained what I really felt inside. And on the outside, there were more questions in mind, that we had to clear out. And as the hour passed, slowly, the smiles started to fade, and the serious conversations started to kick in.

 Everybody says
Everything must go
Well I don’t think so.
Something still remains
In everyone we know
Since far away and long ago
And it shows.

And now, we sat closer, and I tried to state what i actually had in mind. I knew that there were questions we probably wont have the chance to answer, as well as why I was okay with us being friends. Why I never failed to understand him so well, when he himself just couldn’t manage to do so. We looked at each other, as we tried to “renew” our terms of friendship – he knew I would really take time adjusting, and I do too. But it was something we had to undertake, for the betterment of us both. And I do hope, that he finally understands why i just couldn’t let go.

I slowly bowed my head, the lights in the garden were turned on. We were way beyond his departure time. But as we sat closer to each other, and as I started to sink it all in, he whispered so close to my ear.

“Can you hug me?”

I wasted no time, throwing my arms around him. I hugged him tightly, letting him know how I wished not to let go – how thankful I was having him beside me, how I strongly believed his promise to never drift away as we focused on our personal goals, and how I wished that time stopped as I leaned my head on his shoulder. It was a night I will never forget.

A few minutes passed, and we were now walking towards the train station. I had to accompany him back, since he might not trace his way to the station. I started sulking inside, but amidst it, I had a weak smile. And as he passed the turnstile to the train track, melancholy struck me in a way that I thought, I have forgotten to feel. He got me in such a way, I couldn’t explain. And remembering how he confessed, I began to smile and go on with life, in our new chapter as friends.

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Tomorrow, everything will change
Today, will never seem the same.
So I will try to find a way
To say everything I need to say.
And if I should die before I wake,
Remember everything we said today.

– “Before I Wake”, I Fight Dragons

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Ephemeral

It was another Wednesday evening. The clock struck 7 o’clock, and I was waiting at the door. Nobody was home, except me. Mom had to go out, and I asked her if I could just catch up. As much as I wanted to leave the house, I was more eager to wait for the person about to enter our doorsteps at this hour of night.
7:30, and it was raining. I see you outside, holding an umbrella. I waved my hand to tell you it was free to go in. You dropped your bag on the couch, and you hugged me so tight like a husband who came home from work. I caught myself surprised, but I didn’t bother. I was in your arms again, and you were in mine.

You followed me to the kitchen and asked me what I was cooking for ‘our’ dinner. I told you, ‘Its your favorite soup, and there’s steak. Also the Iced Tea’s on the fridge’. You didn’t need me to tell you that. You were already wrapping your arms behind me, kissing my neck, while I was stirring the meal on the saucepan.

I shoved you a little, and joked that I might get turned on. You pout a little, and with a kiss on your cheek, you smile and sat on the chair. I ask you about your day, just like a wife would, to her dutiful husband on his tiring day of work. You told me, the story that I made for you aced the class, and a wide smile flashed on your face. It was heartwarming, and I blushed while serving you your dinner. You sat beside me, and fed me while your arms wrapped my shoulders.

When we were done with the dishes, you laid down on bed. I came up behind you and you hugged me so tight. It was a week-long absence from each other, since the Midterms were somehow very busy. I laid on your chest, and you smelled of my favorite perfume. You held me so close, then. Held me with those arms that kept me safe. Kept me warm. Kept me calm. Your love had that magic that you cast over me. It was habit forming, and made me long for you even more, when you’re away.

I looked at my phone’s clock: It was 8:30. I knew that you had to go home soon, but I resisted. I missed you so much. And I just can’t let you leave that early. You held my hand, and made me face you. Our lips touched each other, and like a fire ablaze, amidst the cool rain, we were now bare at each other’s presence. If it could only last the whole night through.. If only it could.

Almost an hour passed, and you told me you really had to go. Then you saw tears. Tears? From the pain? No. I was numb about it. It was because you were going to leave again tonight. I held your hand, and you kissed my forehead, and you went off and said ‘Goodbye’. Time flew past us once more, in this story that never even got close to Midnight. And like the Love we once knew to love, came down as ephemeral.

Just as I Thought

I knew it was only brief, when I finally became close to him. It started with giddy messages, and the questions came rushing in, and he was answering them, and I continuously refreshed his profile page, just to find out if he answered my anonymous question. The replies came in, and he wanted to know who I was. I was flushing red and my two friends were teasing me that Saturday night. I thought this was the greatest turning point in my year.

He was ‘too far from my reach’ – twice, on two separate occassions. They were the instances when I started to expose myself to activities in our Org, little by little. And also, little by little, came in the chances that we would bump into each other. Maybe to say ‘hi’? Or maybe, to exchange glances? Back then, I was so into finding out who he was ( I have to be honest on this) And that night, I was slowly unfolding a friendship that I thought, could forge good experiences.

Before things got out of hand, I took some courage to make myself known. I was not sure if he was surprised, but then again, he found out the truth, and with a smile, we began being friends. As far as I knew, you weren’t entertaining anyone else, and that was fine with me. And so was I, since I was busy with school and I needed to focus on my new roles as a student leader. At times we would text, and you would ask me to call. Though it was a little bit random at times, I didn’t care – hearing his voice over the phone while I reviewed calmed my nerves. Being a busybee himself, I thought he might’ve felt the same way too.

And in no time, we decided to meet. It was after my exam, and I was a bit dizzy on the road. But I promised to be right on time – a quarter before the clock strikes eight. I saw you across the corridor, inside the mall – dashing as ever. He came near me and told me ‘Just in time!’, with a smile on his face. We roamed around, and joked a lot, hoping I didn’t spoil the evening for being a little bit ‘stressed’ over my day, but it felt like it went well.
He didn’t want go home yet, but mom was sick and she needed me by her side. I had to beg off, and he smiled as I rode the jeepney home. I thought, he actually had a fun night, just as I had, when I was with him.

The next few days came a little bit distant. I was not sure why. A whole day would pass, yet he wouldn’t text me, or even ask me to call. I would pass it off, thinking he was also busy with school and I should be busy with my own thing as well. But then I couldn’t keep my eyes off my phone, hoping that he might text me ‘zup?’ Atleast. And just then, he messaged me he was sorry, that he wasn’t able to text. And that he would make up for it tomorrow.
And just when I was curious about what was actually happening, I figured out maybe I can find out something through his Twitter page. And there it was, he was already with somebody else.

By default, I knew I shouldn’t be upset about it. For one, we were not in a ‘mutually understanding’ phase, and it was too early for one. But I couldn’t help but not feel bad. Was I being stupid again? I really can’t figure out. Yeah, I really liked you that much. I just wanted to know you longer. But, just as I thought, it was the end of the line, for this ephemeral fantasy of mine, once again.

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