Recycle Bin

As easy as a drag;
I throw it all away.
Albums kept and chat logs long
In this bin it’ll all stay.
To rot – like the past,
Grief-stricken I am no more.
Yet above all else, still I am hopeful
Maybe one day, I’ll hit ‘Restore’.

Stuck

It was another cold evening, and I was on my way home from the coffee shop.  I bothered to stay there for an afternoon to get away from my bed, and to start with my Review of Related Literature (for my thesis). Just when I mistook the afternoon heat, I forgot to bring my big umbrella, and took awhile to wait for the pouring rain to subside. It was past 7 o’clock, and I had to rush home. However, it seemed like the weather was not going to allow me for next half our or so.

The Final Exams was getting near by the day, and I am getting overwhelmed by the bunch of paper work which I still have to do. Aside from reports, I was finishing my first three chapters for my thesis, which is due two weeks from now while studying for my major subjects. I could very well say that its not as easy as it seemed, as I spend my nights with cups of  coffee, and my laptop. Having tried hard to focus on my schooling, things would come up from time to time, straying me from my trail of thought, leading me to my fatal flaw – flashbacks and reminiscing. Oh yes, its that difficult for me to regain my ‘moment’ once it starts to throw me off course.

Half an hour has passed, and its the rain settled down to a drizzle. I decided to walk through this rain, with the scarf on my head, quick enough to get to a shed (I was thinking my move was getting me closer to the jeepney terminal, than waiting inside the coffee shop).  Just when I was near the mall’s shed, I took a couple of minutes more before I started walking under the rain.

As I walked towards the pedestrian, I noticed this two guys under an umbrella – wherein one of the guys was clutching to the other guy’s arm. just like a girl. Well, probably they realized nobody was going to notice them, since people were in a rush to get home, and it was raining, so they went on like that under the guy’s umbrella. I stopped briefly to see them, and then I saw them smile at each other, not caring about the people around them, and instead finding refuge and feeling close to one another in this cold and rainy weather.

I couldn’t stop myself from thinking – weren’t they so happy? And somehow, I began wondering how happy it could’ve felt, being with someone whom you could be at ease with: someone you can laugh with even when the world frowns, raises you up even when the world looks down on you;love you in spite of the things that you’ve done and most of all, loves you because of the trust and the respect you had for one another. Seeing a couple like that makes me smile, but stabs me inside, for a reason I know very well.

For a year has passed, by the scars remain open, and I’m stuck under the rain to wash my eyes from crying.

 

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The Downside

I always saw myself as a tough guy.

Despite my apparent choice of preference, I get a lot of compliments from the people around me with regards to being brave and confident when it comes to dire situations. Being tough, for me, wasn’t just a scale of physical strength. I believed, that acknowledging the fear that we all have, and confronting them had to be my measure of courage. Brute force was not my thing. And neither was harboring fear towards others.

Growing up and having to settle on different places – meeting different kinds of people, making good friends, and getting the attention of some bad guys along the way, somehow added to my learning experience that the world is more of a jungle, rather than the paradise it was once known to be. I had to teach myself how to be “street-wise”, and how to mingle with the people outside  my comfort zone.

People saw my independent side – the guy who always had his planner handy, ticking off all the activities he was able to accomplish; the guy who never settled for Plan B; the guy who would try to reason out his way with things, as long as he know he’s right and that it’s his right to do so; the guy who never forgets to ask for His Guidance.

But for all you know, I have somehow resented this “resilience” of mine. I feel as if nobody bothers to ask for me, for how I actually am. That no one really understood. That no one has connected to me in away that I was hoping for a very long time.

 

And despite this epitome of strength that I wield, underneath it is a scared little boy, who longs to be heard.