The Rough Days

Drained.

One word that could very well describe the state that you have dragged myself in for the past three weeks now. A condition that you long to end, mentally and emotionally. The pile of paperwork has been in a constant flux, and the deadlines never seem to finish. You start skipping meals, and in the long run, forgetting if you even had one, not until you see your wallet and you haven’t even spent a dime for food today, and you conclude that sleep is but a half-hour escape from the stresses you bring home from school, and is not even close to a “sound” one.

Exams usually come in pairs – none of which is easier than the other, and now that you are taking up major subjects in Pharmacy, doesn’t help with the fact that your instructors seem to “plot” you by scheduling the hard ones on the same day. And you usually have exams both in the morning, and sometimes, into the afternoon.

And the worst part is, during those lucid moments, when you blankly stare at the horizon, realizing that as you stare at the city lights, as you go home, that the end is nowhere in sight.

You get home, tired from the traffic, but your mind doesn’t stop from worrying about tomorrow’s exam. You gobble up your meal for the day (literally), and before you know it, you’re leaning on the couch, trying to snatch a  quick nap. You try to get up early for your internship, waving at the endless queue of customers where the lane starts, refusing to sell Clindamycin to customers who claim its their only acne remedy, refilling stocks and getting blister cuts.

And just when the week is almost at its end, you remember that you haven’t started reading for Pharmacology..

A Work in Progress: Day 150

For the longest four months into my college life, have I attempted to refrain from answering the people who have been pushing me to reveal why I shifted courses when I was almost there.

I wasn’t really sure myself if it was the shame of having to go through another two to three years of Pharmacy subjects before graduating, or was it the pressure of focusing on my current track? Probably because early on I have anticipated the numerous questions that had crept my mind since November.

On the other hand, albeit the expectations of most people, I have been doing very well in the College of Pharmacy – I have a new refuge in the seclusions of the St. Theresa’s Building; old friends are still with me, but now with the addition of great people, in all-white uniforms; a more organized schedule which lets me move freely in between subjects; a slowly rebuilding self – esteem which I thought was lost, but most especially, a provision and a renewed promise from God that this is going to be the best move forward.

Gone were the days when I had to succumb to the heavy feelings I had back at the Cardinal Santos Building (my former department was situated in the eerie corner of its Second Floor). I no longer have to brush shoulders with the professors whose preconceptions about me cannot be changed by my simple acts of progress – praises you but talks about you differently when you’re away.

I no longer have to deal with its tyrant, and her dealings. For a very long time, I have told my juniors how she deals with concern and care, however deep inside I have feelings of disappointment. But alas, they are now gone, and I wouldn’t be dealing with them for a long time.

For the longest four months in my college life, I have found peace and happiness to where I am now. Probably I wouldn’t mind too much answering questions why I left. Why I didn’t just finish Chemistry. Why I ‘wasted’ three years for nothing (this not true, FYI. Pharmacy is STILL Chemistry). I am a work in progress: His work, in progress. He still has a lot in store for me, all because I tried to do things on my own. But He steers for me now.

B*tches Leeches

It makes all the difference, when you try to appease everyone because you ought to do things the ‘proper way’, and it doesn’t turn out the way you envision it to be.

We tend to be a little bit too diplomatic most of the time, but lose the fact that we have to set limits, expectations, and (ahem) deadlines when we have a so – called ‘collaborative effort’ for a certain project.

A ‘team effort’ doesn’t have to come on a major scale. It comes from a smaller unit that works hand in hand, true to whatever committed tasks they have put themselves into, towards something bigger which cannot be done simply by a person who is alone.

For Now

Author’s Update:

 

Finally I enroll for one more semester in College before heading off to New Jersey in the summer. After a very complicated First Semester, having failed Physical Chemistry on my first take on the subject, I was not able to take up most of my majors (aside from my thesis subject, which I am bound to finish before leaving), and now I am left with taking up two Literature classes, a Technical Writing Class and Physics (which I am taking up with Geology majors. OTL)

 

In my four years of staying in college, I finally got the chance to have one of my ‘lightest’ class load for this semester – 13 units, with a 6 unit sit-in, it is definitely a free T/TH morning for me this November to April. Now, I am more relieved to pursue my thesis and my experimental methodology, and attempt to finish it before the semester ends.

As much as I want to continue blogging and attend to this, while doing all the other stuff I am supposed to, I decided to take a leave from my blog for a while, refine my craft and how I write my content, and get back here with more interesting stories that I could share to all of you. I just happened to backread my content and see that most of the time, my entries are more of the ‘feels’, and ranting, and I seem to forget how to be more comfortable with how I am as a writer.

Nevertheless, I am sure to return, as I’ve always had. Or so to say, I have always been here, since I never really did leave.

Blog to you soon, everyone!

Relapse

Just when I was trying to pull myself together, I unintentionally dragged myself deeper into the pit.

This was the exact same feeling I had over two years ago – when I was overwhelmed with so much pressure, that I decided to waste a Semester in College. Yes, I did pay the price of doing so, and I did so with much regret. But it was a very devastating time in my College life – I was torn inside myself, and I was losing focus. It was not my proudest moment that I can say. Yet, it provided me time to think things through, and get myself back on my feet.

But lately, the sleepless nights have returned. The distractions are back. The ghosts start to haunt me again. Just two years ago, I used to rebuke them so easily. Now they’re back, and they won’t let me win a second time.

However, the circumstances are different now, and so are the chances that I cannot afford to waste anymore. I’m slowly going back to my defense mechanism, and while I can make sense from my early symptoms, I have to move fast – no, I must also think fast, before it gets the best of me once more. With barely two more weeks left for this term, all I can do is to avoid losing grip of my grades (and my sanity).

Keep Aiming

Just this morning, I was faced yet again by another setback while preparing for our Organization’s Operational Plan – the Organization’s Plan of Activities for the whole school year.  Our Committee Directors, mostly Senior Chemistry Students, are busy with their Summer Practicum, and the other officers are busy with their Summer Class (like me, for instance).

And what’s worse in this situation, is that we have barely 6 days to finish the Operational Plan, before we defend our proposed activities to the Student Affairs Office.

 

It’s been very stressful for me, and being the President, I did not want to take on all the responsibilities for them, in order to finish this task. And right now, I feel utterly depressed with how things are going. I even succumbed to writing my own resignation letter, even before I start my work with the Society, and settle as the Organization’s Society Representative to our National Organization – the Philippine Association of Chemistry Students.

And as I finished posting my rather long (and depressing) announcement to get this Operational Plan done (and so I can start drafting my Resignation Letter), a friend of mine shared this photo on Facebook:

 

A thought came into me, and I began praying. Maybe this is just part of the struggles I have to face for now. Maybe I still have a lot to prove, and I have to prove my unbelievers wrong. I closed my browser, and began drafting portions of the OP.

I just got to keep aiming, and aim higher than before.

We All Fall

Summertime brings so much excitement for most people that I know. While some of my friends right now are having their On-the-job training, hanging out on the beach, while others are too busy with their College entrance exam reviews, I on the other hand, find myself going back to CMSHS and rekindling my experiences as a CAT Officer – only this time, I’m not the one in a white polo shirt and jeans, getting sunburn and marching around the CMSHS grounds.

This time, I’d go back as their Tactical Officer, and for the third consecutive year since we graduated from the CMSHS Corps of Cadets, I now begin my ‘alumnus visits’ to young hopefuls and soon-to-be Officers for the Class of 2014. Though I never get to start the trainings at 6:00 AM, I would catch up with the remainder of the training after my Summer Physics Class, which I am currently taking up.

I have to admit, but I definitely missed my days back at the Corps. Training with rifles and the sword, as well as the marching drills we had were definitely worth remembering. And it is funny that after almost four years of being outside the realm of CAT, I can still remember most of the commands, and the moves we once had to train for months, before we became full-fledged officers come June of the next school year.

But what made more sense in my months of training back at the Corps, was the sense of team work and unity, that up to this day, would remain as a lesson that I have learned the hard way. We would say “Sir, Unity Sir. The fault of one is the fault of all, sir.” And as much as I could, I try to let the trainees learn that without having to endure so much. And I was just thinking about this early this morning, I didn’t expect that they’d actually have to learn by experiencing it the other day.

 It was a tough one, but they eventually had to learn that in a group – Team work is essential to get things done. And whenever there is a collaborative effort, no one gets left behind.

After the training, I decided that we have this ‘Assesment’ about what happened. It was great to find out that despite getting my fellow Officer’s punishment because of a fault that their group committed, they actually learned their lesson. That no matter what happens, in a team.. Once a member drops, everybody falls.