Stuck

It was another cold evening, and I was on my way home from the coffee shop.  I bothered to stay there for an afternoon to get away from my bed, and to start with my Review of Related Literature (for my thesis). Just when I mistook the afternoon heat, I forgot to bring my big umbrella, and took awhile to wait for the pouring rain to subside. It was past 7 o’clock, and I had to rush home. However, it seemed like the weather was not going to allow me for next half our or so.

The Final Exams was getting near by the day, and I am getting overwhelmed by the bunch of paper work which I still have to do. Aside from reports, I was finishing my first three chapters for my thesis, which is due two weeks from now while studying for my major subjects. I could very well say that its not as easy as it seemed, as I spend my nights with cups of  coffee, and my laptop. Having tried hard to focus on my schooling, things would come up from time to time, straying me from my trail of thought, leading me to my fatal flaw – flashbacks and reminiscing. Oh yes, its that difficult for me to regain my ‘moment’ once it starts to throw me off course.

Half an hour has passed, and its the rain settled down to a drizzle. I decided to walk through this rain, with the scarf on my head, quick enough to get to a shed (I was thinking my move was getting me closer to the jeepney terminal, than waiting inside the coffee shop).  Just when I was near the mall’s shed, I took a couple of minutes more before I started walking under the rain.

As I walked towards the pedestrian, I noticed this two guys under an umbrella – wherein one of the guys was clutching to the other guy’s arm. just like a girl. Well, probably they realized nobody was going to notice them, since people were in a rush to get home, and it was raining, so they went on like that under the guy’s umbrella. I stopped briefly to see them, and then I saw them smile at each other, not caring about the people around them, and instead finding refuge and feeling close to one another in this cold and rainy weather.

I couldn’t stop myself from thinking – weren’t they so happy? And somehow, I began wondering how happy it could’ve felt, being with someone whom you could be at ease with: someone you can laugh with even when the world frowns, raises you up even when the world looks down on you;love you in spite of the things that you’ve done and most of all, loves you because of the trust and the respect you had for one another. Seeing a couple like that makes me smile, but stabs me inside, for a reason I know very well.

For a year has passed, by the scars remain open, and I’m stuck under the rain to wash my eyes from crying.

 

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System Entropy

I drown myself in total turmoil again, just barely 3 weeks before our final exams. I saw my professor’s facebook message, just now. He was asking where my 6th laboratory sheet was. I have to admit, I definitely forgot to submit it. But it was so unusual for me, since for the past 2 terms, I was usually the first one to submit my work.

And here I am, contemplating how come every single facet of me starts to downslide once again. It has been my waterloo ever since. A disease that’s been eating me alive. Its like some sort of retrovirus that manifests just before I finish an academic term. I was never like this before. I would excel most of the time, and bask my achievements in humility. But, I just can’t figure out how everything ended up to this.

Mom’s right: I barely open my notes for a very long time, because I always come home tired. I have less time to focus, and my mind would oftenly head off to some parallel universe where I wouldn’t want to leave – a place of solitude. But I know this shouldn’t be the way for me to go. I could still do so much more. I just have to push a little bit more, and start prioritizing. I don’t want to end up again as the student who left his school because his pride wouldn’t let him take in how messed up he was, and thought that all is gone.

It has been very depressing for me, really. I would recall how my high school friends would tell me that if I only knew how to “prioritize” and become “preoccupied”, I could’ve gone farther than they would have. A colleague of mine once told me as well, “if you only knew what to prioritize, and who to prioritize first, you could’ve gone to UP. Because we all know you can do it. You just needed a little bit motivation, to the right perspective.”

And here I am on the bus, typing these thoughts on my phone, and looking back to where I have gone wrong. Hopefully, I get to really get myself back into good condition, and get back into track.