I never thought that I would have the courage to message you first.
After all that we’ve been through, it was a great deal of courage for me to press ‘Enter’ and greet you for the Holidays. For once, I told myself that maybe I have really moved on from the pain you caused me three years back. Maybe, this time I was finally able to forget the pain. And though it had caused me so many times, a hope to find someone to be with, the paranoia of breaking my trust has left me all alone and cold.
I have always wanted to tell you how thankful I am to have caught up with you, yet I feel bad about you losing someone close to your heart as well. I may never had the chance to meet her, but seeing that she raised a guy like you well (even if our fallout tells me to say it otherwise), she would have been so proud of you, too.
As the year comes closer to an end, I pray for the best of your endeavors, and to the ones who are close to your heart as well. We may never know, but when the time comes I can probably meet you up and finally smile like I used to, when you were still mine.
When I look in the mirror, I see nothing.
A blank slate. A newly created canvas. Emptiness. Nothing.
Long have I been hoping to see something from this void that I am in. A future, perhaps? Something which is to be foretold, something I should have been looking forward to in this lifetime of mine? Or something that should have unraveled to me a long time ago?
I remember having dreamt of something like that back then – my elusive vision of what I would be a few years from now: a happy home, a great career, someone to be with when my hair turned grey; an early hike to the mountain summit, to see the rising sun above the horizon, or watching the sun set on the beach while holding hands with the person I will spend my days with.
Was the dream to abrupt to be fulfilled?
In this dark room, with only the lights coming from the small square of a window, the lights of the city illuminate this damp cell. With only the lost hopes of a bright future, I live out the shattered days.
My dad wanted to raise me as a ‘normal’ boy – one who plays Basketball, plays video games, and stuff like that. He tried his best in doing so. Tells me, that I should me “like every other kid” in the neighborhood.
But he was wrong. I knew back then, that I was ‘different’ – I saw things in a different light, in a perspective that most of my guy friends see me as a queer because of it. I liked reading, and poetry, but I did alot of sports. And I get teased most of the time when they see me writing my thoughts like a girl who keeps a diary under her bed.
I tried my best to go with what they see is ‘normal’ for a guy like me. Though looking back, despite all the things I’ve been through, as well as the lessons life has taught me, I believe I’m way more ‘normal’ as an adult now, than the ones who believed that being a bit different to the norm is not the way it should be.
“Too much attachment is the reason why some people cannot move on”
I once told myself that when we graduated from high school, I need not ‘stalk’ for a picture of him because I would get to see him all I want, when I get our high school yearbook. Unfortunately, due to some upsetting circumstance, he was one of the few students in our class whose picture did not appear in the finished copy.
Sure, I was probably more upset than he was. But by the time I would probably be in the state of feeling that way, I was already over him – or so I think I am. Because whenever fate gets in the way, I just couldn’t help myself and feel the emotions surge back to me when I see him.
Come to think of it, after six awful, unrequited years of living in delusion, I couldn’t bear tell myself that I got way obsessed with him that it hurts me so much.
But the question remains: Why can’t I just cut it off?
I have to admit, but family reunions are my father’s side of the tree is just one of the few things I look forward to the least, in the whole year (if it’s not because of the food, though). Nothing beats the feeling of having to eat delicious food, and be summoned to the living room for some lecturing from all my aunts and uncle.
Not that I hate it (I despise it), but having to defend myself for the decisions that I have been doing lately with my schooling, and my personal decision on leaving, was definitely ‘suffocating’ for me, having to abide to whatever they deemed ‘proper’ and right for me. And for the longest time, I have been doing things their way, I usually forget that I do have a say on how I should live my life – not like how I see them making me follow them all the way.
Come to think of it, I almost missed out on so many things because of trying so hard to keep up with them.
Maybe this time, I can finally get away with it, and start anew with how I want to live my life. I was doing perfectly well, before they came. Though not being very inconsiderate of me, I appreciate what they’ve given me. But I think it came too much – with all the sermons and the ‘degrading’ I seem to have received from them.
Maybe this time, I can finally establish what I really want to be.
Upon graduating from high school, I decided to make use of one thing I never even thought would come in handy. Probably because I was mindful of dates and stuff like that, I found no use to it, but I was opening a new chapter in my life – a life of a college student, and I decided to make use of planners.
Four years ago, while everyone in my high school batch was busy with acceptance letters from universities that they have passed, and the upcoming Junior – Senior Promenade, I was slowly building up my dreams of being a student of the University of the Philippines – one of the premier universities in the country. I was to take up a bachelor’s degree in Nutrition, and take up Medicine.
Important dates were already on my planner: when I was supposed to go to Laguna; where I was supposed to look for a dormitory near the University; what subjects I were going to take – I had them all written down, and foreseen what were going to happen.
I never got to UPLB, for my mother didn’t want me to. So I had to settle for my last choice, and take up another course (which I do love, nevertheless). I tried to make do of it, even if at times, my plans never worked out.
But now, I am constantly faced with so many changes, so many things that I want to do that I get conflicts in my head.
Oh, but there is so little time. Why can I not stick to what I really love, and be content?
*Note from the author: After rereading the mechanics for ‘Truth Thursday’, I finally understood how these prompts work, and that I could post my work, and not have to schedule my posts for Thursday (since technically Truth ‘Thursday’ should be done on a Thursday) and wait for a few more days if I started it, like on a Sunday. It’s technically my first Truth Thursday post, so please do bear with my work! *smiles*
For the longest time now, I have been waging a battle who bears no winner – two champions who continue to outdo one another every single time – a game wherein the fates of all who’s in it have been tied to one another; a challenge that has driven me to my wits end; a tug of war where no one want to give up.
Back then, I was very sure of what I do and I knew what I wanted to be. I was confident with how I talk and walk when I am with people. They saw the leadership that I kept close to myself, and they seldom saw that I resort to tears even in the direst situations. They feel how I try to be diplomatic and cheerful when others are down. I would extend my help to those who are in need – not paying attention to what lies in return, but is grateful when receiving from other people.
However, there is more to all of these.
Because every time I try to get up, I stumble and fall on my knees, and I have kept it to myself all this time.
I never knew that having an ‘internal’ argument with my inner self would be this difficult, especially when I have long hoped towards moving on from all the hatred, and then something pulls me back, and pours salt on my wounds.
If only I could compromise with how I actually want things to happen and learn how to forgive each and every person who has crossed me in the past, maybe I could find a way and leave all the ill feelings and thoughts behind me, and finally start over again with a smile on my face, and look forward to what the future holds for me.
Written for Truth Thursdays. This blog exists to connect people through writing. To initiate something honest, thoughtful and meaningful. Wanna know more about this awesome thing I just participated in, read it here :)