Stuck

It was another cold evening, and I was on my way home from the coffee shop.  I bothered to stay there for an afternoon to get away from my bed, and to start with my Review of Related Literature (for my thesis). Just when I mistook the afternoon heat, I forgot to bring my big umbrella, and took awhile to wait for the pouring rain to subside. It was past 7 o’clock, and I had to rush home. However, it seemed like the weather was not going to allow me for next half our or so.

The Final Exams was getting near by the day, and I am getting overwhelmed by the bunch of paper work which I still have to do. Aside from reports, I was finishing my first three chapters for my thesis, which is due two weeks from now while studying for my major subjects. I could very well say that its not as easy as it seemed, as I spend my nights with cups of  coffee, and my laptop. Having tried hard to focus on my schooling, things would come up from time to time, straying me from my trail of thought, leading me to my fatal flaw – flashbacks and reminiscing. Oh yes, its that difficult for me to regain my ‘moment’ once it starts to throw me off course.

Half an hour has passed, and its the rain settled down to a drizzle. I decided to walk through this rain, with the scarf on my head, quick enough to get to a shed (I was thinking my move was getting me closer to the jeepney terminal, than waiting inside the coffee shop).  Just when I was near the mall’s shed, I took a couple of minutes more before I started walking under the rain.

As I walked towards the pedestrian, I noticed this two guys under an umbrella – wherein one of the guys was clutching to the other guy’s arm. just like a girl. Well, probably they realized nobody was going to notice them, since people were in a rush to get home, and it was raining, so they went on like that under the guy’s umbrella. I stopped briefly to see them, and then I saw them smile at each other, not caring about the people around them, and instead finding refuge and feeling close to one another in this cold and rainy weather.

I couldn’t stop myself from thinking – weren’t they so happy? And somehow, I began wondering how happy it could’ve felt, being with someone whom you could be at ease with: someone you can laugh with even when the world frowns, raises you up even when the world looks down on you;love you in spite of the things that you’ve done and most of all, loves you because of the trust and the respect you had for one another. Seeing a couple like that makes me smile, but stabs me inside, for a reason I know very well.

For a year has passed, by the scars remain open, and I’m stuck under the rain to wash my eyes from crying.

 

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Before I Wake

Here we are again
Like we’ve always been
Since time uncertain

Who’s supposed to start?
Where do we begin?
When we’ve got so far to go

It was not like any other night. And this time,when we’d spend the time talking to each other for I was eager to say goodnight because I looked forward to another day to talk to this guy who seemed to jump start my day; now, I was more eager to stay beside him that night.

It was an evening that I prayed to last.

We took a long walk from that coffee shop to the garden across the city. Not being that good with directions, we managed to get there after a few interviews with the security guards and the street sweepers. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling that time, but all I knew is, that I was having a really great time with him. We had an hour left before we were supposed to go home – as he was trying to keep up with his “self-imposed” curfew, and I didn’t mind. Spending the whole afternoon with him was the best thing I’ve enjoyed for a long time now.

As we got to the park, we roamed around the green field, looking for a good spot to sit on. In no time, we were able to find a rather comfortable (and dry) spot near the curb, and we settled to sit there. As always, we began to talk about almost everything, and to think that we have been doing it for the past two hours already – it reminded me of how enjoying it seemed to be with someone who is at your wavelength, and shared almost all of your likes. Deep inside, I couldn’t contain the happiness I had for the two of us. But I knew better, and contained what I really felt inside. And on the outside, there were more questions in mind, that we had to clear out. And as the hour passed, slowly, the smiles started to fade, and the serious conversations started to kick in.

 Everybody says
Everything must go
Well I don’t think so.
Something still remains
In everyone we know
Since far away and long ago
And it shows.

And now, we sat closer, and I tried to state what i actually had in mind. I knew that there were questions we probably wont have the chance to answer, as well as why I was okay with us being friends. Why I never failed to understand him so well, when he himself just couldn’t manage to do so. We looked at each other, as we tried to “renew” our terms of friendship – he knew I would really take time adjusting, and I do too. But it was something we had to undertake, for the betterment of us both. And I do hope, that he finally understands why i just couldn’t let go.

I slowly bowed my head, the lights in the garden were turned on. We were way beyond his departure time. But as we sat closer to each other, and as I started to sink it all in, he whispered so close to my ear.

“Can you hug me?”

I wasted no time, throwing my arms around him. I hugged him tightly, letting him know how I wished not to let go – how thankful I was having him beside me, how I strongly believed his promise to never drift away as we focused on our personal goals, and how I wished that time stopped as I leaned my head on his shoulder. It was a night I will never forget.

A few minutes passed, and we were now walking towards the train station. I had to accompany him back, since he might not trace his way to the station. I started sulking inside, but amidst it, I had a weak smile. And as he passed the turnstile to the train track, melancholy struck me in a way that I thought, I have forgotten to feel. He got me in such a way, I couldn’t explain. And remembering how he confessed, I began to smile and go on with life, in our new chapter as friends.

Tomorrow, everything will change
Today, will never seem the same.
So I will try to find a way
To say everything I need to say.
And if I should die before I wake,
Remember everything we said today.

– “Before I Wake”, I Fight Dragons

The Downside

I always saw myself as a tough guy.

Despite my apparent choice of preference, I get a lot of compliments from the people around me with regards to being brave and confident when it comes to dire situations. Being tough, for me, wasn’t just a scale of physical strength. I believed, that acknowledging the fear that we all have, and confronting them had to be my measure of courage. Brute force was not my thing. And neither was harboring fear towards others.

Growing up and having to settle on different places – meeting different kinds of people, making good friends, and getting the attention of some bad guys along the way, somehow added to my learning experience that the world is more of a jungle, rather than the paradise it was once known to be. I had to teach myself how to be “street-wise”, and how to mingle with the people outside  my comfort zone.

People saw my independent side – the guy who always had his planner handy, ticking off all the activities he was able to accomplish; the guy who never settled for Plan B; the guy who would try to reason out his way with things, as long as he know he’s right and that it’s his right to do so; the guy who never forgets to ask for His Guidance.

But for all you know, I have somehow resented this “resilience” of mine. I feel as if nobody bothers to ask for me, for how I actually am. That no one really understood. That no one has connected to me in away that I was hoping for a very long time.

 

And despite this epitome of strength that I wield, underneath it is a scared little boy, who longs to be heard.